I
first started posting this blog shortly after my 35th birthday. It was a
gift to myself so I could live my life without being too scared that I
might be discovered for being a little bit crazy, a little bit lonely,
and making a whole lot of noise.
I started by
disclosing my deepest secrets, often exposing to my deepest fears.
Initially I chose the motto: "Too old to start over, Too young to
forget."
Eventually that moniker evolved into something
a little more challenging and inspirational, "Too old to start over,
Too young to give up."
Now that my 36th birthday is
just around the corner (actually, more like an intersection) I plan to
spend the last few days I have in this demographic bracket uncovering
some the essays I have written that still need a little tweaking, and a
whole lot of twacking! So be prepared to find a few typos, a few
disconnected thoughts without making an obvious transition. Because I am
naming the next phase of my life, you know, the "35 and up" phase,
"Chapter II: A Little Bit Older, And a Whole Lot Bolder."
I
have enjoyed the feedback I have gotten from so many people from all
walks of life who have written in response to something I have written.
Women I have never met, from places I do not know.
Women
like Joy and Cat who encourage me to keep writing even if they disagree
with some of my core values or excessive use of profanity. Women (or
men) who have somehow managed to stumble across my writings in one of
their many raw forms without realizing that just by contacting me, much
of the fear and hesitation I once felt about publishing my collection of
personal (and professional) essays have been replaced with a new found
sense of pride and accomplishment. Fear and uncertainty have are quickly
evolving into confidence and proliferation.
Personally,
professionally, and spiritually, I hope to continue "kicking ass and
taking names," because at this point in my life, I may actually start
doing that a little bit more.
You will notice that I am reclaiming my name and uncovering the many aliases I have used over the years... I am done hiding.
I'm
am not perfect, and I will always struggle with my obsession to find
just The Write Words, but I'm guessing it is probably good enough.
Probably good enough so that most people will won't even notice if I
forget to capitalize a proper noun or if I end a sentence with a
preposition. So be it.
You may also notice that I am
reclaiming my name, and will be using try to cut down on the number of
anonymous postings I listed under an alias because I was afraid I would
be embarrassed if my work was not well received.
I am
ranges from the less obvious accounts I have created to maintain a bit
of distance between myself and my classmates, peers, and colleagues, but
in addition to "Miss Elyss" or "Lyssie D." I am even willing to admit
that I have created so many login accounts and user names to post
anonymously, that I have forgotten most of the passwords to access my
own content. But I am rather proud of the creativity I demonstrated when
I came up with two of my personal favorites, "I.M.Phobic" and
"EyePhobic." I never could get into that whole IM thing, webcam or chat
rooms! The way I see it, it is bad enough i need to put on clothes and
make-up to leave the house-- I'll be damned if I have to put on make-up
to send an e-mail!
Yes, they were all me. They are a
pert of me, because like so many women-- no... like so many people...
I'm a little bit of everything... so for those of you who are listening
and even to those of you who just wish I would shut the fuck up already;
be careful what you wish for! The more content I create, the easier it
becomes to let go... and the more I let go, the more I can heal. The
more I can heal, the more I can focus on the academic issues that will
always be my first and primary area of interest. However, it seems
rather obvious to me now that the only way out is through. So, I will
continue to write through the dark and hope that it I can become more
present minded rather than being trapped by memories from the past.
To Joy, Cat, TA James, and a few others, thanks so much for the gift. I hope I can make you proud!
The
curious can find anything and everything! I often wonder why it is so
much easier for others to to get my information about me than it is for
me to get about myself!
I'm a digger. To be clear, that is "digger." I never use the "N" word, and I'm way too proud to marry for money.
I'm a digger. I love information. I love to find, I love to collect it, but most of all, I love to use it.
I
love to dissect it, analyze it, formulate new questions and ponder the
answers. I love the journey of natural inquiry... never knowing where my
racing mind will take me, often surprised surprised by the answer, but
always, always intrigued by the things I encounter along the way.
So
I set out to find the answer to one question, and instead I find myself
asking a million more. It keeps me up at night, and allows me to avoid
the day.
My life is not unexamined, and my thought
patterns may be far from typical, but the things I have learned along
the way are by far the most intriguing and most unique. I am not afraid
to ask questions, nor am I afraid that I don't have all the answers.
As
a digger, I do know that it is the path least taken: the creative,
atypical mind; that is riddled with creativity, tangential thoughts and
questions that often deliver the most interesting answers. But
sometimes, it is the answers that deliver us to the most interesting
questions.
We often think that questions drive the
inquiry-- at least that's what they tell us in school. To use the
"Scientific Method." And of course, to never, ever color outside the
lines. But aren't the best discoveries the ones we weren't searching
for? The unexpected gift... the non-occasion.
The
beauty is in the every day. The challenge is in the unexpected. Call me
crazy if you like (and many have) but I can assure you that there will
come a day when all of that R.A.M. will come in handy. I am definitely
asking the right questions... and maybe one day you will too.
Finding
my voice has allowed me to appreciate the silence. The hours between
dusk and dawn where the rest of the world sleeps and I dig. I dig and I
write. I fill the lonely hours with my innermost thoughts, and my very
best friend. So as the rest of the world sleeps soundly, surrounded by
loved ones in a sanctuary they call home, I fill myself with books,
journals and information. Lots and lots of information.
Who
would have thought that loneliness can become a family in it's own
right? It is always there and it is always familiar. That solitude can
become our greatest companion and that strangers can become our best
friends.
I miss New York. I miss Dr. Stu. I miss
Jefferey and I miss Todd. I miss my wild, brilliant friends plagued by
curiosity, insomnia, and creativity.
Hey boys-- guess what? I'm coming home!
Let's
go to hot and crusty at 3 a.m. when everything really is, yes, "hot and
crusty!" Lets go the Internet cafe across from the Hello Kitty store
and wake up old friends that actually dare to sleep when it is dark
out???
WAKE-UP TODD! I've been calling you for hours! I have a joke to I want to tell you!
New York, New York... The "City" that never sleeps?
See
I don't think it was ever really about the city, I think it is more
about the anonymity. Someplace you can be yourself, and never worry
about being judged by your in-bred hillbilly neighbors who are, in all
honesty, much more focused on raising hell then raising children... To
them, I am "strange." I am "weird." I am "Italian." or "Jewish" or
"something!" because I talk really really fast!
You are all wrong: I'm from New York!
So while you sleep, I dig. I learn , I question, and I write. But I do it alone, and I'm starting not to like so much.
So
for all of you out there who are insomniacs: "writers," "consultants,"
"perpetually un and underemployed yet overqualified" computer geeks --
please enjoy my video blog below.
I chose a few songs
have keep me company at night. Just loud enough to drown out the drunk
couple outside my window having yet another domestic dispute, but low
enough so that the neighbors downstairs won't complain. Hopefully, you
will know some of the selections that have kept me dancing in the living
room into the wee hours of the morning, and can learn something about
my favorite word if you are paying attention...
You'll
find all of my favorites in one place. So enjoy the trip my friends,
it's getting early for some, but late for others, and I've got some shit
to do before the world wakes up, because to quote John Cougar (or is it
Melloncamp?) I Ain't Even Done With The Night!
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=04EA65F6BD91E91B
DESCRIPTION:
Everything from my favorite word to my favorite website. There's
something in there for pretty much every mood-- songs to make you cry,
videos to make you laugh. Political ads that make you sick and some that
will give you chills-- but at least they make you feel!!! Finding my
voice, and hearing those of strangers has given me the strength I needed
to move on.
So for so many of you who have contacted
me lately, via the web, via your cell phone, or even by way of a nasty
website-- stand tall and stand close because much like fear, courage
also rubs off on you somehow when you are surrounded by the right
people. So a big shout out, and a sincere word of thanks to all of you
who have helped to find my voice once again and the courage to say
whatever is on my mind... Say it loud, say it proud, just say it!
I
will not be ignored and I will not be forgotten. But guess what, Here
Comes the Sun. I made it through night and now it's time to go, because
that was SO yesterday! Thanks for giving, good luck forgetting!
Elyssa D'Educrat / Elyssa D. Durant
Nashville, Tennessee / New York, New York
http://www.youtube.com/user/elyssadurant
