Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Missing Peace: whois "go" daddy?"

To learn FBI facts were nothing but lies. My signal is fading. Learn from me. The only thing that keeps me on the radar is F-bombs. I may be the spawn of Satan or the omen child my mother sees as her cross to bear; but I want to believe in something. Justice for All. I am here now to tell my story.

Just me,



In Philadelphia, as in most big-city police departments, there is little or no money for informants. Yet cops on the street routinely pay $10 or $20 for information. "It adds up," says Blondie, who estimates that each of the officers in Five Squad was shelling out as much as $50 a week for tips. "I'd have more chance of being elected Governor than I would trying to get money out of the department for informants," says Blondie. "The bosses' view is that we had the best jobs. We wore soft clothes, worked our own hours and made tons of overtime. The brass viewed paying informants out of our own pocket as just a cost of doing business."

Read more:,9171,987539-7,00.html#ixzz0wA5krcsd

TIME Surrender Immediately

Shortly after dawn one day last week, about 200 policemen surrounded a three-story brick house in Philadelphia, "Surrender immediately," demanded an officer through a bullhorn. The shouted reply: "You'll have to bring us out dead." The speaker was Chuckie Africa, a spokesman for the house's residents, all members of MOVE, a radical back-to-nature cult that had staved off eviction for 15 months (TIME, Aug. 14).

The cultists screamed obscenities and their children cried, police used a bulldozer to knock down a wooden barricade and a crane to knock out windows. Firemen pumped streams of water through a cellar window, sending rats, dogs and people scurrying to safety. Suddenly, shots rang out. Police lobbed tear gas and smoke bombs into the house. After 45 minutes, the MOVE members —twelve adults and eleven children—stumbled out. The toll: one policeman dead; seven policemen, five firemen, three MOVE members and three bystanders wounded.

The cult members were taken to jail and charged with murder. The children were washed, deloused and turned over to city welfare agencies. The house was leveled to the ground by a wrecking crew.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Writing Through Dark: Writing Wrongs

When I first started writing, the internet it became a substitute for human interaction. Aside from Pepe, the computer had become my next best friend.  Certainly better than any therapist I have ever seen. Writing through dark helped me to clarify and organize my thoughts.

My computer does not ask me stupid questions or blame me for taking too long to spit just the right words.

It does not mind if I stutter, take a break or tend to more pressing matters. The internet was simply another way to escape from the madness that surrounds me.

Before I knew to how to attach formatted, edited, spell checked versions of documents, I would often begin writing in cyberspace only to find that I addressed it incorrectly, or worse, copied the very last person I would want to know exactly how I feel.

There have been times when I have accidentally hit send a little too soon. When I review some of my past journal entries written online, it is easy to see the raw emotion that pours out of my soul into the physical world. There have been countless times I have found myself so completely caught up in the writing process that I get stuck to the keyboard for hours (sometimes even days) and yet there I am—- asleep at the keyboard— again!

Writing "live" can be dangerous—it is far too easy to come off as a raving lunatic who cannot hold one train of thought long enough to keep the web browser from timing out!

If only I could retrieve some of the messages that hit cyberspace...

Will I ever be able to coexist peacefully? Play well with others? I still work at my own pace— sometimes in my own world, always in my own head... I like to think I might flourish in some other man's world and tell myself I could exist in some other reality—but those who see through me know this is my last defense, and however sad, I must believe that if I am to go on.

However, be warned that I may, someday, somewhere, decide to stick around for a while. Could you be my neighbor? Would you be my friend?

Could you? Could I? Can I ever stop running and being afraid? What must I do, what I must learn, or who must I become to make you believe that such social grace and honest beauty have always come naturally to me?

When will this act ever subside? I developed an entire persona based on fear alone. How very sad. The cheerleader that never was. The child that never knew safety, peace, or security. A woman who existed in a world of silence— until now, I suppose.

Somehow, I must learn to embrace the fear. The fear of being discovered for the person that I am rather than the person I often pretend to be.

Regardless of the mask we put on when we go out in public, we all feel insecure, lonely, isolated, and afraid at times. Unfortunately, for me, I feel that way more often than not. I live with the kind of self-doubt that most people outgrow in early adolescence. The older I got, the more isolated I felt. Shouldn't I have outgrown this by now?

So now I have to become the person I used to be. The person I was meant to be. The person who existed long before the realities of life set in. Someone with hope, someone with a purpose. Someone who believed woman who existed long before the shadow of fear and failure ruled my every waking moment and took over the sleepless nights.

Yes, I can. Sometimes.


Fear of believing that I deserved to be loved and never finding it. A human being entitled freedoms, and a woman who knows how to make choices. I am already stronger than I ever wanted to be.

I was blessed with strength.

Strength! Who the fuck wanted strength? Who wanted fear? Who wanted freedom???? There are people who love me-- they may not know it yet-- or may have forgotten me by now, but I need to stay put and live within my own skin again for a while just to see how feels.

Just stop running.

I have been challenged in ways that most people cannot even begin or understand-- and for me I must accept that there simply is no justice. So as I am, there is nothing that can replace what I have lost, not inside myself. I do not believe in revenge.

How ironic. How bazaar. Tragic. No one else cares. Who gives a shit? Why seek revenge for its own sake? How would that help? Nothing can replace what has been lost, not within myself.

But what if you are right??? What if--IF-- it is possible to let go of my anger? What will become of all that rage and turmoil I carry around with every waking moment? Can I exist peacefully within my own body? And what about the pain? I mean the hard the hard-core physical pain that hits me when I am most vulnerable? Can I live with the pain?

Can you promise me that it will have been worth it in the end? And, what if, after all is said done, I find myself to be an old woman with no friends, no ties, just a worn out memory of myself as I used to be—or who thought I might become. An old woman who lived far too long and too hard to realize that her act was done one-half a century ago.

Can you make it all worthwhile? Can you live with such responsibility?

Can I ever recapture enough of my former self to become a sexual being rather than innuendo? Can that person coexist in the same body that has brought me so much pain? Will anyone ever sift through the grime to find me? Will they ultimately feel it was just a waste of time? Will he hate me for it? Will he hate women as a result?

Can I ever learn to accept my physical pain without feeling compromised as a woman? Can I ever learn to accept my emotional mind without feeling compromised as a human being?

Do not tell anyone, but I can remember what it was like to enjoy sex. At what point can I allow myself to long for the sensation of human touch without being too optimistic? I don't want to get addicted. Sex will never be enough for me. I dream of loosing myself in a man's body. I dream about complete and absolute absorption.

I shall find mediocrity! Keep your labels interpretations and judgments to yourself. Control your need to soothe my fragile psyche or your need to "cure" me. I must find mediocrity. There in, I hope, lies the self. The everyday, the lull, the common person: rhythmic sanity and flattened affect. Dulled emotions and satisfaction. Satisfied, dull, boring, everyday. God—please!!! Where do I sign up?

Yes— okay— sometimes, it scares me to be so utterly alone, but what purpose does that serve? Even I know how despicable self-pity is in others and in myself. Especially for someone "like" me-- whatever that means! Great—so not only am I sad, but now I am feeling guilty too. And ashamed. And embarrassed. And Fear. And nothingness

Sometimes I wish others could understand the silent, peaceful, uncomplicated absolution that dawns with acceptance and resignation.

My goals have become so convoluted, yet here I sit, 13 years later, and my computer is still my best friend. My search for mediocrity continues. I am still looking for comfortable safety and a place of solitude before I can fulfill my "destiny"... to become whatever it is I was meant to be. Before I was reduced to nothing more than a shell of a person beaten down the Powers That Beat.

A journey on the road towards (Maslow's) self-actualization. Is it too late to build the strong foundations I lacked as a child? To feel secure enough in my physical surroundings and trust that my most basic needs will be met. Can I successfully transition into a world of unknowns without any understanding of the world as it is?

Maybe others have taken this path before me-- or maybe someday, someone might inadvertently wander into this sanctuary I call home. A place where nothing seems as it but exactly the way it is supposed to be.

Look at us-- who we are, what we do, and how we survive... all the people everywhere... All of us with limitless potential yet none of us know it-- irreverent disregard for what is real and complete disrespect for the rules that have thrust upon us.

This is the easy part-- restating economists and social scientists of days gone by-- so it is here that I can rest my head and my tired fingers. Why do I feel this shit? I actually *feel* this shit. As I sit and write (and eventually hit delete) I am bound to the streams of consciousness-- irate bouts of ranting and raving-- knowing how easy it is for people to silence such carrying-ons.

Upon writing my first piece ever-- a poem about motherhood, childhood, and the woman-child, my mother tried to have me committed. What a reality check! At 22, 1 put side my fear and wrote a simple poem for myself, to myself. It was straightforward, simple and direct, and almost landed me in an insane asylum. Are my words that dangerous? Are my feelings so far beyond the norm that I need to be removed from society altogether?

Yes, with a copy of my journal in hand, my mother's shrink showed up at my door-step to express her "grave concern" about my perception of reality. Not the first time, and it definitely would not be the last. As the years went by, I learned that my words would be used against me as a testimony to my madness. Only after years of therapy have I come to understand that it was not my words that were so dangerous, it was my ability to use them correctly. Perhaps it was not my sanity that should have been called into question...

I called my first piece, "On Not Being Able to Write." So simple, so eloquent, and so honest. After that little encounter, I learned about secrecy, symbolism, and self-censorship. I learned to write in riddles, live in puzzles, and think in circles. It kept others out-- but left me afraid. Afraid to be seen for who I am. Afraid of how my words were being received and how they would be interpreted. And now that things have come full circle, I am making a welcome return to honesty and a much needed reprieve from my riddles.

Let there be boundaries. Let them be impenetrable, secure, and bold. Obvious boundaries-- this is my path-- and you may not come with me. You must learn to find your own!

I think I shall buy a paint-by-numbers kit at the toy store. Simple. Impossible-but only because I can not paint!!!!


Friday, April 15, 2011

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Company

My dad used to sing this to me when I was a little girl... 

Two years ago, I had never even heard of the New World Order, Illuminati Elite.

I lived a simple, silent, and honest life, yet still managed to pass as "normal" until I wast cast aside, shunned, humiliated and brutalized by friends, neighbors and police. They knew nothing of the secret society simply referred to as "The Company"

Apparently, I have something they want, dead or alive. They want both my secrets and my silence, but more than that, they want my genetic code.  

They know who my father is and obviously realize I know quite a bit about his activities in counterintelligence, cybercrimes, and high profile cases.

Cases that made him millions by defending the most notorious bankers, corporate criminals and corrupt politicians that are linked directly to the Rothschild fortune and the Illuminati conspiracy.

The 'Company' has showed more interest in the last few months than my father has in the last 38 years.

In a perfect world, I would find out that my father didn't just leave because he is too busy working, playing or doing whatever....

But the sad truth is, my father has gone to extreme measures to distance himself from my life. He has no concept of how his negligent behavior and management of my disability benefits have caused me in the real world. But he is best known for his fancy footwork -- keeping money hidden so it can be transferred from one bankster to another.

But in a perfect world.. I would find out that he did this because he knew of the danger that comes by virtue of having a family history that is deeply involved with the CIA and corporate elite. I would learn that he did this to keep me safe from the heavy hand of his corrupt colleagues at the CIA, the Illuminati elite and the New World Order.

This so called "Company" goes far beyond the USA, CIA, or his buddies on Wall Street.  It goes deep underground beneath the hidden tunnels of Egypt and Gaza and the Israeli Defense Force -- and even Mossad have contacted me in some form or another to let me know, "when we come to kill you, be prepared, because we are very good at terrorizing terrorists"

Clearly their secrets are far more important than my life..
I'm in deep.  Much deeper than I could even admit to myself until it became so obvious that I couldn't ignore what was clearly a conspiracy to either silence me, kill me, or drive me to the brink of insanity so that my credibility, mind, body and spirit were broken beyond repair. 

I can't believe that I to convince myself that surely these events were unrelated to what I know.  I wanted to believe they were random "coincidences" or the result of bad choices, bad luck, and random acts of violence complicated by systemic corruption.

I am ready to take my place in the world.  I am ready to become the "man" I need to be so that I can protect my loved ones from being targeted as well.
I have always been  a vocal advocate for the weak and underprivileged, but I have never been more determined to watch the elite fall from grace as they have watched one of "their own" brought to their knees.

I speak not only for myself, but for a few others who have had their lives completely destroyed and torn apart by wolves and sheep who simply don't see the full picture.

RB:  this one's for you...  you have nothing to fear, but I'm pretty sure you already know that. It is the rest of these sorry fuckers that needs to worry, because paybacks are a bitch.
My father once told a colleague that I may be the only person who is as smart or smarter than he is, and if that is true, I would do the same to my own children if I had them.

So, despite the "bad blood" between my father and I, I suppose I should say, "thank you, daddy-- for making me stronger than I ever believed I could be..."